My Thought of the Day

It’s been one week (officially 1 1/2 weeks, but who’s counting?) since I was laid off.

For the most part, I’m doing okay. I’m certainly doing better than the last time I was between jobs. Back then, I had less than one, maybe two, paychecks set aside to help me – whether it be moving, paying my phone bill, or taking care of gas. Student loans took all but $100, give or take $50, each paycheck. But if it meant I would continue staying on their good graces, then I was…tolerant. Yeah, that’s a good word.

To put it bluntly, I wasn’t sitting pretty then. It had to be the sheer graces of the heavens (and I’m willing to bet several fantastic reviews from past bosses) when I accepted the job with Cross Insurance.

Now, however, I’m in a better position. Yes, I’m still without a job, and that is bad no matter how you look at it, but at least I am a little bit smarter, wiser, and more resourceful in what I need to do. I’m in a better boat to move closer to a new job. Whether that is back in Portland, farther out to Boston, or even D.C. (a city I will always love – even with its political turmoil) I have enough set aside to help me land on more solid ground.

I had a dream some time ago; it wasn’t like most dreams – it was vivid, bright, and so filled with hope, I couldn’t help but remember the details the following morning. I think this happened a couple years ago, but I still remember it as if it happened last night.

In this dream, I was walking around this neighborhood. It wasn’t a place I recognized, but it felt so calming, so relaxed, it was as if I had grown up there. Strong brick buildings stood side-by-side-by-side like soldiers, all dressed in rustic red suits with charcoal grey linings. The sidewalks were cobblestone – uneven, yet flowed like gritty rivers along the earth. Kids played catch in the street and scattered whenever a car chugged through. It was the peak of fall; all of the trees were vibrant hues of red, orange, and yellow. I remember wrapping my purple scarf more around my head. I walked into a small mom-and-pop thrift store – I wanted something to commemorate the move into the neighborhood. I don’t remember what I had bought in the dream, only that it was something that felt smooth to the touch, like glass.

The dream was so mundane – so ordinary – compared to all the other dreams I usually had. And yet, this dream has stuck with me for years. Why? Because I was somewhere in my own apartment, doing my own things, following my own path. It felt right to me. It felt as though that place, wherever it was, was the place I needed to return to.

I was starting my way on that path when the virus took control of this world. Unfortunately, this is something I can’t control. None of us can. That being said, this little hiccup in my life won’t stop me from getting back to that dream neighborhood. At this point, I don’t care if that exact street doesn’t exist. There are places on this Earth that come pretty darned close.

I am still hopeful I will get there. I know I will get there. I need to. I also have a hope for all who read this: think of a place – just like the one I have from my dream. Focus on that place. If you want it to be a person, then okay, it’s a person. Focus on getting yourself to that place or person, no matter what. That’s how I’m keeping my hope. I pray it helps you keep your hope too

Hey all.

I haven’t written in some time because, well, I wasn’t really all that sure on what to say, or how to say it all.

I originally wanted to write a small piece on 2020 being a “New Year, New Me” – talking about how I had gotten a new job (one that was actually making me feel better about myself for a change), looking into moving down to the Portland area, and really being more positive in life. I felt like I was actually moving forward in my personal timeline. I didn’t feel stuck or stagnant anymore.

2020 was actually starting to feel like ‘my year’.

But then the virus started to spread.

At first, I wasn’t worrying too much about it. Sure, people weren’t following social distancing guidelines as well as they should have at first, and of course I was worried about my mom working so close as she was with people, but I felt if we all were to band together (metaphorically speaking) and really try our hardest, this virus wouldn’t spread any further than it already has. We could’ve had the possibility of returning back to normal.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Yesterday, I found out I was being laid off. Effective immediately.

I wasn’t the only one. I know at least one other person had been laid off as well. But that’s not the point right now. The point is, I believed I was an essential worker. And in a sense, I was. Health insurance companies need receptionists in the office in order to keep things moving smoothly for everyone else.

Only problem is, when the company’s clients are forced to stop working, they’ll need to take certain actions. Certain actions, like cancelling their policies so they can move the money toward things like feeding their families, keeping the lights on in their homes, etc.

And when the workflow moves slower and slower into a trickle, the health insurance company needs to take action themselves.

So, in an effort to try and keep as many people in the company working, sometimes people will need to be let go. Since I was one of the newest hires, it made sense to let me go first.

Am I shocked and a little upset? Yeah, of course I am. Who wouldn’t be? This just goes to show how vicious and rugged this virus is, not only to our bodies health-wise, but on the economy as well.

Will Cross Insurance hire me back? I sure do hope so, someday. They are one of the greatest companies I have ever worked for. The culture within those walls, the people working together to make policies work for their clients, all of it. I haven’t had bosses like the ones I had in a loooong time. I actually wanted to get up early every morning and jump in my car, drive the whole 1 hour and 17 minutes into work, and tackle the projects of the day. I wish every company could take a moment out of their schedules and look at how Cross Insurance worked. How the company conversed within itself, how when a problem reared its ugly head, instead of sweeping it under the rug, the managers actually tackled it and sweated out a sensible solution.

Am I now afraid that no job is safe, including the believed “essential” ones? Yes, yes I am. This whole pandemic has opened my eyes.

We’re in trouble. As a country and a race. I thought I was safe with my job, but I was wrong.

All I can do now is hope this pandemic dies out quickly and pray I can find another job; either that, or Cross will welcome me back with open arms.

I’ve known for almost a whole year (just shy four months) that there will come a day when I have to say goodbye to my beloved Binx.

I just didn’t expect that day to come so quickly.

On our latest escapade to the vet’s office, I waited like I always did in one of the private rooms, casually flipping through my Instagram while Binx had his tummy drained of icky fluids. This gross milk-white substance is the by-product of Lymphoma, or cancer of the lymph nodes. And with nowhere to go, this stuff stretches out his stomach, and will suffocate his organs, sending him into spiraling pain.

When the vet tech came back with him, the grim look on her face said it all. She began to explain that not only did he lose roughly around 8 ounces, there was also a noticeable tint of red.

In other words, blood.

That’s when the vet (wonderful woman by the way; I would recommend her to everyone who has a pet!) came in and told me that, because of the noticeable blood, the cancer was progressing.

His time on this earth has been shortened.

I once thought I would have until spring to spend time with him. Now, I’m not even sure if he’ll make it past Christmas.

The doctor told me to keep a closer eye on him and be on the lookout for signs he’s ready to go: refusal to eat, refusal to use the litter box, and no longer wanting to move around the house. But because he’s still alert and willing to eat, she wasn’t willing just yet to send him to Kitty Heaven.

We had one small scare before we left.

Just as I was going to pick Binx up and shimmy him into his carrier, we found a small puddle of pink liquid on the table. The vet and vet-tech immediately swooped in, dabbing the wet fur on his belly and waiting to see if his disposition changed. We all stood rigid, watching as his belly continue to dribble on the table. This was the first leak that didn’t immediately plug itself up after a draining. Even more proof his cancer was moving along.

Somehow, I managed to pack him up, pay for his visit, and drove him home before I broke down. Off and on for the rest of the afternoon, I sobbed my heart out. This cat may have only been in my life for little more than two years, yet he has somehow wormed his way into my heart and has me wrapped around his pretty black paw.

Adopting him from the Humane Society was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. When we first met, he was grumpy, hated humans, and was convinced he didn’t need anyone to help him with anything. For two entire weeks, he hissed at me whenever I moved, swiped at my ankles when I walked past, and threatened to bite Pepper if she got too close.

So how did he suddenly become one of the sweetest little boys to ever walk this earth?

Simple, I stood my ground, pointed my finger at him, and told him I was gonna be his mom for the rest of his life, whether he liked it or not, so he had better get used to it. His face went from mid snarl, to one of confusion and utter bewilderment. For the rest of the day he stared at me, as if he were waiting for me to exclaim “just kidding!” and drive him back to the Humane Society. The very next day, he jumped on the couch during a movie and plopped himself right next to my leg.

From then on, the only time he ever growled or tried to bite me was when I tried to put him in the carrier.

I’m not sure when it’ll be his time. I don’t want to think about it, to be quite honest. If I do, I’ll surely start sobbing again.

What I do know is, until that time comes, I’ll be by his side and giving him all the love and treats his little heart can take. There will never be a time where he does not know warmth and soft fleece blankets.